How do I feel?

Vorrei scrivere.. ho cosi tanto bisogno di scrivere..eppure sembra che abbia perso le parole. Ogni volta che mi siedo davanti allo schermo,le mie dita impazienti di esprimere cio’ che sento dentro. Una parola. La cancello. Una frase. Senza senso. Un paragrafo. Non e’ cio’ che voglio dire. Allora mi alzo e un po’ delusa spengo il computer. Delusa perche’ ho il cuore che trabocca di sentimenti che vorrei condividere con te, con voi ma che non riesco a channel in una maniera razionale. I have such a mixture of languages in my mind. I started off with Italian but I just realised that I feel more comfortable with English at this point in time. What has been happening in my life? Well, nothing much to be honest on the exterior; a lot is however going on inside. I feel tired, mentally tired. I feel drained, so drained. I feel incapable of controlling my mind which is in fact wandering around on unknown paths. It has lost its direction. I do have lost my direction. I feel anxious, my exams are next week Monday and Wednesday; yet I have still a lot to go through. I feel guilty; I haven’t been honest with myself, I haven’t been honest with others, I haven’t been honest and this is slowly killing me inside. I feel I am complaining too much. Instead of looking at things in prospective, I either tend to enlarge or to minimize them. I feel I am turning again into the “old me”, that person I’ve been attempting to change in the past few months. A phantom which is however coming back again and again. The more you try to fight against something, the more that something comes back to you. The best way to go is apparently indifference……. a sort of detachment from the past which enables you to be who you want to be without the fears of old skeletons popping up again. I feel I still have a long long long way to go. Yet, I do not know which is the way to go. I feel LOST. I feel I have somehow strayed from the right path and I am now wandering alone in the middle of a crowded station at peak time. I stop. People walking fast around me, people bumping into me, people avoiding me, people rushing, people chatting, people.. and I feel nothing. I feel I want my life back. I fear to have my life back. It is just a matter of hours now; yet I am so deeply scared of finding myself at the mercy of an absolute freedom which is indeed a double-edge sword. I want to fly but I need someone who will teach me to spread my wings and take off for an endless journey in the most hidden angles of the universe. I feel I am such an idealist. I need to get back into touch with the reality; with this reality; with my reality; with your reality. I feel I should stop writing and go back to my revision. I feel that something must be out there, waiting for me. As soon as I release this tension, as soon as I open my eyes so full of dust now, as soon as I let my fears go, as soon as I connect again with my inner self, then, perhaps, I will be able to look around and see what is out there. And if there is nothing, then never mind… I can buy brushes, colours, canvas and paint my life the way I want It to be.